So, this half crazed shpeil (is that an actual word, or just another one my parents made up?) is for Mary/Marchingjaybird. Because she’s got an anti-muse going on, and I can totally relate.
I get these basically once a month. And it starts the same way. For me at least. It starts.with that slow drift downwards. And it does start slow, a “I’m never going to be that good” instead of “I wish I was that good.” A switch when inspiration become mocking reminders that “you’re never going to be worth this”. And side.comments that usually would have blown past get stuck under your collar. Like a really bad clothing tag (THOSE THINGS ARE AN OFFSPRING OF SATAN), it itches, and scratches, answer keeps reminding you.
It starts off small.
But then BAM! All the little things pile into one big thing, and you’re in that maximum velocity free fall where NOTHING seems like a big enough parachute. And if you’re ‘lucky’, you smash into the ground at such a speed, your bones liquify and your spleen comes out your nose!
(This description might be the reason Max isn’t allowed to blog at 1:00 AM after chugging a litre of Chocolate Milk and being stuck on a bus)
But it’s true…in this broken state, you are lucky.
Wait! Don’t leave! Let me explain.
Dabrowski called it “positive disintegration”, and it’s that moment where everything falls apart. If any of you read Tarot, disintegration is the Tower.
We can experience disintegration at varying levels. You can experience it just in a job area, a relationship area, or your whole bloody life. What matters Is that everything in that area seems to be falling apart. No matters how much paste, glue, cement, mortar you throw at it. No matter how much you try to patch it up. It lies there in a crumpled mess at your feet.
Positive… Yeah. Dabrowski, dude, go get your head checked. You masocistic nutter.
But…again… He’s right. It’s like Lego, you see? You can’t get the car to support the pool and candy bar, your house just won’t support that seven level tower, your dragons wings keep falling off. And you’re left with all the little pieces at your feet.
It’s at this moment… You can reall look at it all. Is this working?
Dabrowski says disintegration can only be positive when we have the passion. Don’t have the heart for it? Here’s your chance to get off that crazy train. No one’s going to think less of you. It’s broken, right? So it’s okay to call quits.
But… If you have the passion, the heart, the love, then we best get to work. Because when we have the emotion, we have the power to really think broad about these things. Galaxy broad. What’s working? Keep it, strip it bare, leave just it. What’s not working? WHY? Is it worth saving, or is it kinder to everyone to put it down? (I was trying to elude to euthanasia, but physically putting it down works as well)
Are you still here? COOL! Congrats for getting this far (in the process and in my ramblings). Have some refreshments.
Continuing with the project. What fanciful, bedazzled extras are you keeping? GET RID OF THEM! What’s the point of handlebar tassles on your bike when you don’t even have handlebars??? We can add them later, in like… The third draft, I promise. Keep them in a separate folder until then.
You are always going to have these moments. They suck, it’s hard, and so many people don’t realize they have the passion to pick up the pieces. But YOU do have that passion. So get to it. Make it all now, without judging and wondering if it’s good enough. IT’S NOT! But that’s because right now, it’s just bones. And that’s okay. Focus on getting it out. Once you have the pieces assembled, then you can work on breathing life into it. Like Frankenstein, or God.
I believe in you. I believe you can do this, and that you can create a vision of your world, and that it’s never going to be ‘perfect’ for you. But it’s going to knock our socks off.